Now I am about to get real. Deep. Here. I am only 23 and half years old. I graduated just 3 and half months ago with my bachelor's. I intern at an art gallery. I just found a job face painting at my city zoo. I look close and beyond to what I'm needing for myself and the more I get, nothing truly seems to satisfy me.
As of my current status of situation, the pushes and pulls of last minute decisions or my supposed loved ones wants in my life has complicated my direction in life. At the same time, I may feel I'm experiencing a quarter life crisis that doesn't seem to leave any time soon. Questions seem to be going through my head like I'm switching channels on TV. Am I really an artist? How can I be so true to myself that my surroundings don't seem honest at all? Where will anything that I am doing lead to? Who am I anymore really? These don't even make a quarter of what I think and question about. Truth is that I want this issue resolved. I WANT ANSWERS. It it just that even when I legitimately ask a question that is logical, that question is never ever left with answer. It's like pancakes that never got syrup poured on them; it is just left dry and isolated.
Here's another reality that I have recently faced with that my head can fathom and admit to: I have absolutely no patience. They say patience is a virtue, blah blah blah, yeah yeah, me and millions know this saying thick and through. This is an activity that I and anybody who lacks this deed has to be part of a self practice which coincidentally will take *cough patience*. Trust me, you have no idea how hard this truth has been thrown at my face to know that they and my gut is correct about it. A weakness I want strong if want my questions to lead to my answers in the road if fate has it.
The thing is I'm bombarded with a combination of my supposed close ones, environment and society, and my own boggled mind telling me what I should do with my life. You may wonder if this should be the part that I should have faith into what I want and let a higher power or something take it's natural course but truth is . . the true meaning of faith is and has slipped away from me as I don't seem to have any real wisdom to putting my all into it or even trusting it perhaps. Don't worry as I won't get into the subject of religion or anything like that, I just wish I had a better example of the idea of faith growing up is where I feel I lack in that department.
All in all, my little perplexing conflicts are sucking the life out of me. I want to have goals that are to be MY GOALS. I want to have dreams that are not only MINE, but to not have someone else's dreams that are to be drawn for in my life. I want my close loved ones to love me for me unconditionally and with the mutual respect I like to give and given in return. I just want to be an honest me and a free spirit.
What's really sad is that things I want aren't materialistic items that can't be bought. (Thanks dad for a trait I endure in and appreciate in you.)
Being surrounded by at least one of these that I mentioned would just be quite liberating to have.
Being surrounded by at least one of these that I mentioned would just be quite liberating to have.
As The Smiths would have put it, "Please please please, let me get what I want this time; Lord knows it will be the first time."
Here's to the ones struggling in life situations. To the post under-grads of 20 somethings in their quarter life crisis' figuring out what is this strange, awful, phenomenal place called reality is about. To those finding their own path in life. To those that just want a simple happiness. And that is just all.
XOXO
Life at 23. It bites.At least if you're in my Keds.
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